Why won't my dog add icing sugar to his soup?

The violent nature of man has caused considerable detriment to the advancement of our more moral facets of civilization. Had war and political security not been a factor, then funds spent on weapons development and research could have easily been diverted elsewhere, which may have made life easier or even saving lives through curing cancer. The cancer of the worm in the soul in the ear.

But butterflies? The worm of the butterfly is the very reason as to why we should engage in eternal celery sawing. Why should we not? We have the power. Let us cut the awkwardly unmanageable pieces of celery into a form that can greater provide for us. We need only use the saw as a starting point, cut the celery into small pieces, then throw those small pieces into the wood chipper and we can use the sawed chipped celery as spice. Sprinkles anybody? Celery seeds possibly, but why sacrifice flavor for the future existence of a particular species of flora?

It is actually a miracle that I am sitting here inspiring you once again. I suffered a horrific ordeal last Friday night. I was shot in a sensitive area with a gun. The type of gun is not important, all you need to know is that I was shot. I can tell you that when I was shot that I regretted certain things. I regretted spending $4500 on the plastic generator. Unfortunately I bought it second hand, so the go button was pushed in so hard that it become jammed, rendering the device unusable. Trade description acts prevented the seller from getting away scot-free, but he offered something to me as a settlement, and I accepted. I always wanted a troll doll.

But then one day I was spreading marmalade on my neck, something weird happened. The troll doll appeared in my appendix. The Doctor did not believe me, so I self-performed the removal of my appendix, though I hit a brick-wall when the sedatives started to take effect, so I thought really hard. Told myself to perform the operation in my sleep (if you can sleep talk and sleep walk, why not sleep perform-surgery?) and allowed the sedatives to take me away. When I woke up, the troll doll was out of my appendix, and I was such a skilled sleep-surgeon that there were no marks, no scars, no blood, and I even tidied up the mess! The appendix was far removed from sight, as was the troll doll!

All in all, this self-performed operation was a complete success, but it left me walking around without an appendix. Then two weeks later I was up town and there was a huge crowd of people sitting in a 50 foot hand basin. Curiously, I walked up to it just as the speaker was getting ready to speak. I asked a few people what was going on and they simply ignored me. Then the speaker, um, spoke up. "Who here wants a million, trillion, billion, kazillion dollars!?" he screamed to the crowd. Not one to waste an opportunity I said I would. After forming a cruel smile on his face he said "Fan-frickin-tastic! All you need do is answer these questions three. Question one. What is your name?" Making sure it was not a trick question first, I replied my with my name. "Key-rect! What is your favorite color?" I answered that too honestly. "Excellent. Number 3. How on earth do you expect us to believe that you self-performed appendix removal unconsciously while heavily sedated!?" Not having an answer for it, I simply said that I did not know. "Oh well, I guess you lose. Better luck next time."

The reason for my regret, was if I was able to stay awake through my unconscious appendix removal then I would be able to see how I could perform the procedure in my sleep, because I was awake, uh, hmm, nah, it is solid. If I did that then I would be richer beyond my wildest dreams. Turns out that the gunshot did not kill me, but it left me highly traumatized.